so is your face.

No, I'm not acquiring an iPhone, quit emailing me about this. I'm not getting one because I have a phone that's better: it's called the Nokia E70, oahu is the pinnacle of human achievement, and I adore it more than our kids:

You've probably never heard of the E70 because Nokia's marketing team is busy finding every last dick in the universe to suck, so I'm going to perform their job on their behalf and share with you this product. And no, I'm not being paid to achieve this. I'm just tired of the iPhone fanboys shooting huge sticky wads and high-fiving the other (literally) over their stupid cellphones.

First coming from all, the E70 carries a full keyboard, not some shitty stripped down, tap-and-pray smudgy part of shit. Nokia works on the technology that's a lot more advanced than the iPhone's tap screen, helping you to actually feel the keys you press as you're pressing them! The technology is called "tactile response," and yes it allows you to do such things as dial a phone number without watching your screen as being a shit-chucking ape. In fact, every other cellphone ever produced has fraxel treatments, sometimes called "buttons."

This keyboard won't stomp your colon, nevertheless the colons of distant relatives from the human species like lagomorphs, and hypothetical colons of youngsters you haven't even had yet. Want to type a backslash, No problem. Ampersand, You bet your ass. On an iPhone, you need to press yet another button that opens up an alternate keypad that will allow you to type numbers and punctuation. So typing something as simple as elipses (...) requires you to tap your finger 9 times. Enjoy your phone, losers! People at all like me who have shit to do will adhere to a keyboard that does not have its lips wrapped firmly towards the user-interface equivalent of a throbbing dong:

When the iPhone was initially announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to pay for a football field packed with babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool as they could have potentially murdered a football field brimming with babies, but he handed down this opportunity by introducing the device instead. He claimed that the device was three devices in one: an iPod, a phone, with an "Internet communications device." Oooh, an Internet communications device,! AWESOME!

It's not three devices in one any a lot more than my laptop is you morons. Using Jobs' loose definition of what creates a separate device, technically my laptop may very well be 8 devices in a:

A clock

A calculator

A phone (I can make voice calls with my modem)

A pornographic media storage device

A video player

A word processor

And an "iPod" (see below)

There's no such thing being an iPod. The word "iPod" is a marketing tool to get a hard drive with software that plays mp3s. Yeah, doesn't sound so sexy now, does it you chimps, And an "internet communications device" is officially the douchebaggiest method of saying "it features a browser." So actually it's just a phone that plays mp3s and features a browser. SNORE.

The Nokia E70 not merely plays mp3s, video, has a full browser and Wi-Fi, IMAP and POP3 email, and Google Maps, but you can even run terminal software to telnet or SSH into remote servers. What that means in non-geek is my phone is invincible. I can literally a single thing. I can reboot my web server if I want, and infrequently I do just because I can:

All of this power from a telephone that's more than a year old, and it only costs $360. Even the browser kicks ass:

4 or 8 gigs (fixed).

Unlimited. The E70 will use hot-swappable 2 GB mini SD cards, so you can have all the storage as you wish.

Can customize ringtones with your own personal mp3s:

Can record video:

Screen gets a smudgy bit of shit after a couple of minutes of usage:

Can send MMS messages:

You ought to send your phone to Apple in the event the battery dies and risk taking your phone lost, stolen, or damaged in transit:

Yes.

No.

Plays MP3s:

Holds your phone hostage to Apple for brand new software updates because Apple won't allow everyone to formulate applications for this:

Voice dialing:

Yes.

No. Double negative, bitches!

There you have it: probably the most objective comparison of two cellphones available. I think I'll take the rest of the afternoon off and copy and paste text on my small cellphone because I can.

6,092,135 people who bought an iPhone hadn't got word of the Nokia E70 so far because Nokia's marketing team is simply too busy tossing salad to get the word out.